I recently realized that JB (who died earier this year in a car crash) was, in fact, the most amazing person to ever have come into my life. After school ended, all i felt towards him was hatred. He was the most painful experience of unrequited love and I hoped I would never have to see him ever again... As of the 25th of Janary 2009... I never will... for some reason, the full impact of the entire situation only hit me the other day.

I hated him... but never as much as I loved him... All I wanted was for him to love me! maybe he did, but in another way...

once he said to me
"don't worry bee, we'll make it..."

did he make it?

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return"
-Moulin Rouge (the main theme)

When will i learn this thing i long to experience... that remains a big fuckin mystery that is seriously starting to piss me off! I'm so sick and tired of being taken advantage of.... i'm so fucking nice n marshmellowy n everyone knows it and uses it... when am i gonna grow a pair n actually stand up for myself instead of sitting around complaining about it. i don't want to be used, i have no intention of using anyone else...

my morals and values are constantly in the way of me getting what i really want. or am i just in the way?... some subconcious form of sabotaging every potential relationship by unkowningly but carefully, calculating the most effective way of destroying it.

i don't know who i am right now because i cant figure out how to be the person i think i am... I don't need to know... I just need him. I need him to see me, to chose me... to love me. how long must i wait? is there even a point in waiting...
I guess i'll just have to follow my instincts(which i don't trust for a second by the way) and see what happens...

So my psychiatrist has informed me that my drinking habbits have got to go... the excessiveness of it anyway... that peeved me off...
as if its not bad enough that drinking is the only thing that allows me to feel emotion. Damn Prozac... Try fix one problem n u create another... but don't worry we're trying a new type of med now... because thats going to make a difference(sarcasm) u'll have to excuse my negativity on the matter but i quite honestly don't care anymore. i wish i did but since i have been on the medication i cannot cry... i do not laugh with my all and my constant state of bland being is slowly driving me mad...
Who knew that neutral could be so disturbing...